Won’t and Can’t are so different. I could let go of you, but I choose not too. For that small amount of time when we were together I was happy. This wasn’t the usual excited, hyper happy feeling I get that tends to fade so quick. No, this was a calm contented happy that I still think of and smile. That is exactly why I won’t let you go. You were warm when I was cold. You didn’t have to stay and I was sure you wouldn’t when I asked, but oh how I hoped for a yes!
There is no regret here, no bad memories, no sadness like before. The feeling you gave to me is a gift I reuse to lose. It feels me with hope that I can have that happy again. I know it won’t be with you. You are just a memory now, a wonderful memory, but I am no fool. That is all you are.
Thank you so much for this small gift. You don’t know how much it means to me. It feels me with hope, dreams and a unrelenting quest to take as long and travel as far as I need to find that kind of happy again.
You are my saving grace.
Category: Empowering Discussions
No Thanks
Rejection seems to be an unavoidable side effect of trying. Try and you either win or lose, but you never know what will happen. New hopes, following your dreams, moments of insanity. Is there anyone among us who doesn’t want for something, no matter how small. We all do, and we all know that we have to take that first step and try. It can be exhilarating, exciting, nerve wracking and fun. A moment that creates a beautiful memory.
It gets dangerous when you lift your hopes up though. There is nothing quite as crushing as when you have wanted something so bad and it is rudely taken back without your consent.
Some of us want something for so long that we grasp at any and every opportunity that crosses our path. Some of us think over every move and play it like a game of chess. Then there are those of us who play it so safe for so long that once we go for something we want, we use an out of date rule book. Repeated failures and momentous rejections gives you a hopeless feeling that is almost too much to bear.
Rejection is aggravating, depressing and can dull your senses. Those butterflies in your stomach suddenly feel more like weighted bricks.
Pain, no matter how minimal or limited can be understood by everyone. We can take solace in knowing that we are not the only ones who lost. Pain makes us all similar. Maybe the grass is greener on the other side of trying. Maybe you have to simply not give up when life sends you on a seemingly impossible route.
I’d like to think that it’s better to try and then find someone to laugh about your latest fall than to give up. Maybe I don’t try as often as I should or maybe each chance I take brings me closer to trying for everything I want.
🙂
The Battle
I do one thing wrong, then another. It doesn’t take much at all. The regrets pile up so thick and I can barely move. They surround me. Taunt me. Distract me from my goal. Momentarily stunned I sink into them letting my mistakes and missed opportunities become all I know. The past will take me down, depress me, frighten me, encompass me for days, weeks or months. Life will pass me by as I freeze with fear and doubt. I’m not good enough. Not smart enough. I dont have the resources. I belive each lie until it becomes truth. This way I dont get hurt. I am only protecting you my past says. Sure you are, I reply. I know better, but its easier to not ever try. So I wait. I cry. I am miserable. Before long a bright event or new opportunity will break through the wall I erected and I will lunge at it with all my strength. It will pull me to safety. Each time I say that is the last time, but don’t really believe myself. The battle rages on.
In Loving Memory
I wrote this after one of my closest and dearest friends suddenly and unexpectedly passed away.
When I look around I see people who loved and were loved by her. I see faces full of strength just like her, but unknown it seems to many of them.
I see beauty in every person radiating out with the love and respect of a mutual friend. Yet many have voiced disbelief of their own beauty.
Her talents were limitless because of the faith in herself. That isn’t often the case with me though I wish it to be.
It takes a gifted heart to be open for a world of different yet equally loving hearts. She had this gift and shared it everyday. It is a gift that beats inside the chest of everyone, but how scared some of us are to share it with strangers. It is a loss to the world when we do.
All of have the same strength she eagerly shared, we just have to exercise it more often.
All of us are beautiful when we smile wide and share our voice with the world. We simply must remember and remind each other often enough until we believe it.
All of us can be just as open as her if we will only take the chance each and every day.
My wish is that you will find all these qualities and forever let them shine. If you are hiding, then it’s time to step out and show the world what it really means to be strong, beautiful, talented and open.
Can You Show Me
What do you see when you look at me? Can you teach me how to see what you see?
All I see is a scared little girl, unable to speak, unable to breathe. I want to shout for help. I want to see what others see.
When I look at you I see someone strong, unafraid to take risks, unafraid to be wrong.
When I look at me all I see is fear. I want to be like you but now you’re gone. How can I ask you what you see.
Just come back for a minute and tell me. Please please please tell me what you see!
Why Give?
I ride the bus and walk down the street and try not to look, but I see them every day. Because NO is a word I cannot say.
Faces full of lines and dirt. Shame and uncertainty grace their lives. They have no worth.
When I look close though, I see something else. A living breathing human being trying walk another mile.
I pass them EVERYDAY. They don’t always ask for money. Sometimes they catch me off guard with a hearty greeting and a smile.
It breaks my heart to see the ones with no hope left. On those you can see the dead in their eyes. Nobody is home. What happened that it became so bad?
Did they become an addict, did society tell them they were worthless, were they beaten by mom or dad?
When you pass them by, do you avert your eyes? When they ask if you have a dollar do you tell them you’re broke or make up lies?
My favorite excuse is when people say if you give them a dollar they will spend it on drugs and booze. We learn to despise people on the street, act like they are pathetic, act like they are meek. I wonder who really is the meek one here. The ones begging for food or the ones with a dollar to spare.
Why do I give? Because of one simple truth. That could easily be me, my family, my friends or you.
🙂
Can’t
Can’t is a terrible word. It climbs up my throat and jumps out of my mouth, but doesn’t leave.
Stop me, block me, push me farther into myself.
Pull me away from the world. Allow me to hide.
Can’t is always followed by a lie, an imaginary excuse to justify.
Can is the word that lingers in my eyes, not quite reaching my tongue. Yes I Can. It’s what I see.
No I Can’t. It’s what I say.
Another word that must be banished. My list fills up with words that let me cry myself to sleep every night.
Oh if only you knew that when I say Can’t I really mean Can, but I am too afraid.
Push, Run, Hide
I didn’t mean to push you away. I didn’t want to make you go. I want you so much. So I push you away.
I run away. I run so fast that nobody can catch me.
Hide under a mask of smiles and lies. Hide so nobody ever sees my broken soul.
That push keeps me safe. No broken hearts, no scars, no pain. Nobody can hurt me I brag. Nobody will ever break me I boast. Ha! These are lies I say to all of you. They hurt to say. They hurt, but they grow.
Fear fuels me. Raw and numb, it has filled my soul. This fear is destroying me. Slowly scratching away at my soul. Stealing my hope and weakening my bones. I want to rip fear out, break it into little pieces and stomp it to dust. Stomp till it is just a memory.
Can you see my broken spirit. The holes and cracks. It’s not complete. It’s not like yours.
Your spirit is strong and filled with warmth. You glow without fear.
Everyday I scream on the inside. I curl up in a little ball. It’s dark in here, but when you are near I feel warm light. Stay with me. Don’t leave. Don’t tell me it’s too late. Offer your hand. Pull me out. I will not push you. I will not run away. I will not hide.
I will take your hand. I will not look back. I will not let go.
…
Take Everything
You can take it all away
You can strip me clean
Blind me
Bind me
Trip me
Kick me
Tie my hands
Put me in a cage
I will still have hope
Crush my spirit?
Go ahead and try
Break my heart and make me cry
Rip it out bury it deep
Tear me into little pieces
Tell me NO
IMPOSSIBLE
NEVER
YOU ARE NOTHING
I will still have hope
ALWAYS HOPE
Ouch.
I just lost one of my best friends. We had known each other for 10 years, and been through so much together. I still cant believe she’s gone. It’s been hard to get much work done, even harder to care about working at all. I really want to rewind time even if I could just hug her one last time.
She was a wonderful friend. She was amazing, the kind of person who got along with everybody. She always had a smile to share and encouraging words to dish out. The world has lost so much with her death.  Words cannot describe how I feel right now. Grief is one, numb is another. I feel antsy and sad. I miss her so much. I just want her back. I want to tell her again how much she means to me.
She was younger than me and left behind 2 beautiful little kids. She was a parent to her siblings when hers were no longer around. This woman could take on the world and get right back up. She was a talented athlete, smart, funny, goofy, compassionate, a voice of reason. She was strong.  I love you Superstar. I will see you again. It won’t be soon, but it won’t be that long either. I will rejoice when we are back together again. I will not give up. I will be strong and I will make my life worth living, just like you did. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you. I hope that you felt loved by me and know that I would do anything for you.
I promise to keep an eye on your little sister and brother and your kids. They will be okay too. I am very sorry that I did not call more often. I am sorry that I didn’t get up to your new place to visit you. If you ever felt like you weren’t that important to me, you were wrong. You mean the world to me. I love you.
Individual Empowerment 