Category: Empowering Discussions

Empowering Discussions, Grief

Grief: Three Months In and the Adventure Has Picked Up Speed

Impower You

I attended my first grief support group today. As the group leader Rick said, “It’s like a club nobody wants to join”. Ha!  Isn’t that a truth!

IMG_20140522_174117The book, “Unattended Sorrow” by Stephen Levine was recommended by Rick. Luckily the library had it and I’m taking it with me. This was my first grief/bereavement group since my mother died 3 months ago.

It wasn’t agonizingly sad nor was it upbeat, but it was somewhat comforting to not feel so alone that hour of time. I mostly listened. I shared what I could, but these days words tumble out of my mouth in a messy ball. A few times, even though I don’t feel so sad anymore, tears rolled down my cheeks. Vocalizing coherently right now is not easy so listening and being part of a group was enough.

There was 3 of us in total. They had both lost parents and a husband/wife. She had lost her husband 3 weeks ago, he was leading the group for a few years having los his wife 9 years ago. Both were over 65. Though I don’t wish death on anyone my age, I was hoping there might be someone close to my age there.
Nobody who showed up is going to the memorial service on Saturday. I imagine that will be an entirely different and sadder experience as there is no mention of an age minimum to donate a body to the med program. All I ask is there not be any parents who lost a child or teen. I think that’s the worst. My mom had almost 71 years and she wore them out well. 🙂

So what did I learn today? Mostly that grief may have lightened or seem gone, but it sure as hell has not completely healed.  So if you know someone who has recently grieved give them some love now. Don’t wait another minute.

I feel a little raw now. What I wouldn’t give for a long firm hug.  Maybe I will get lucky and run into a friend? That would be something indeed since none live nearby. What I wouldn’t give for a car right now so I could drive somewhere and hug someone I know….sigh…life is greater than any adventure I ever read

Empowering Discussions, Grief

Dealing With The First Mothers Day Since My Mothers Death

Impower You

It’s been almost 3 months since my mom died and sometimes it feels like the grief is growing. I suppose that’s just one of those things that happens as my mind slowly realizes that she isn’t coming back. And now today is that used-to-be-wonderful holiday celebrating moms. Yeesh! What an extra punch to the gut.

 It took a while for me to think of a way to honor my mother on this day. Since parties aren’t my thing and I don’t have anyone to celebrate with anyway, I decided to make a donation to Help In Crisis, which is a domestic violence resource center and shelter for women and girls that she helped create. Coincidentally, or not, both I and her eldest granddaughter have both worked for DV resource centers. My mom knew how to set a loving example; by simply being one. 

I’m very proud of my mom and loved her so much. Today I’m going to work at the flower shop where I have been going back every Mothers day for the past few years. I think it will be fun, but the owner understands that I might not be able to stay if it makes me too sad.

“HELP IN CRISIS, This donation is in the memory of JoAnne Duncan, $10.00” http://helpincrisisinc.org/hic/history.asp

 

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Empowering Discussions, Grief

Compacting Grief: Playing the Question Game of What If’s and Should Have’s.

Impower You

There is nothing fair about grief. Life in this universe is inherently unfair, but as we grow wiser we learn various ways to solve problems and make it as fair as possible so we can thrive. Many times there are guidelines and rules to follow based on previous experiences and those passed down from generations. But with grief there are no obvious solutions, no rules to follow, no easy answers. When you lose someone so close to your heart, so important to your daily existence, who you loved more than anyone, your life can seem empty. The word unfair becomes your anthem.

textgram_1399424397The past few weeks I’ve constantly battled with thoughts of what I should have done, could have done, if only I had known that her time was running out. I know that there is nothing I could have done. She fought the cancer stubbornly with a toolbox of medicines and cures, but in the end she lost. There is no going back and there is absolutely no use in beating up myself wondering… “What if?” I call this the question game.

Questioning if there was anything I coud have done to save my mom allows me to live in the past, but this isn’t a mystery novel. I can’t turn back the pages and figure out the clues. Her novel is finished. I can pick it up and read it, but I cannot rewrite the ending.

I cannot live in the past wishing for a time machine any more than I can live in the future imagining the life I would like to have. The past is over and the future I want can only happen if I take action now in the present. There is no jumping back and forth in this reality.  The past has a seductive way of luring me in, inundating me with cozy memories that wrap around my cold and empty self. It blurs the present so my steps forward are muddled, and disguises the future as a place to be feared. This isn’t the first time I’ve been seduced into living in a world long gone, but I hope it’s the last.

There is a lovely distraction when I’m around people or busy working which allows me to move forward intently without worry or sadness. Once I am alone however the grief becomes physical pain, gnawing at my insides; my stomach ties in knots and tears forcefully push against my eyelids. Distractions keep my could have/should haves, at bay.

So my goal now is to spend as little time alone as possible. This is not easy as I don’t have any close family or friends nearby. There are people who I know well and like that I can spend some time with, but they lack the comfort I really crave. That comfort from someone who I’ve always loved. Under normal conditions my introverted personality makes forging new friendships a heavy workload, and now with low energy and cluttered thoughts,  relationships become a seemingly insurmountable task.

I substitute closeness for masses of people. I write this sitting in the library surrounded by people I don’t recognize, but this is a comforting place for me and it keeps me from being alone. Later I will go watch the sunset with another crowd and eventually meander home to my roommates dog(she is out-of-town right now and I’m dogsitting). Probably the evening will be whittled away online with shiny, noisy distractions.

I have been seriously looking for a second job so that my empty time will fill, and also to get out from under the squashing weight of debt. In the past 2 weeks several resumes have been sent and applications filled out. I would love to receive a call for an interview, but my previous experience over the years of job searching does not fill me with hope.

My career, or lack thereof is another chance for the “What if?” game. If only I had a real degree, I should have stayed with my other jobs longer, I could have saved more money, What if I had made different choices, etc.

Much of this question game centers around one popular thought, “What if I just gave it all away and took my chances living from one moment to the next?” While this fantasy of living a life free of any demands is somewhat appealing, it’s also scary. Everyday I see people on the streets who have given it all away. They don’t seem too happy, some seem to have given all of themselves away along with their career and things.

The question game doesn’t help, but instead compacts my grief. I don’t yet have an answer for how to stop it, but I’m aware I need to stop it so I’m working on an answer.

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Empowering Discussions

I Know What I Want… How Do I Get It?

Impower You

This is an account of my journey to find an ideal career. I want what most people want; work that doesn’t just pay bills, but fills me with a feeling of accomplishment. It is not too much to ask for a job that aligns with my passions, my ethics, and allows me to learn as I go long.

My life has neer been conventional. I grew up experiencing different paths. My mother started off in medical school, owned a restaurant, worked as a representative to a highly revered artist, remodeled homes, co-owned and operated a large hotel, along a few other jobs as well as a full-time awesome mom. We moved often and were a mix of traditional and progressive. My family is intellectual, liberal multi-racial, open minded, and modern.

I know there is more than one path to take. I know that a “9-5 work week/party on the weekends” life is not for me. I just don’t know how to find or create a career that will allow me to live unconventionally and be true to myself. How do I stop veering towards a life I don’t want because I see it so often in my community and the media? How do I stay true to my own uncharted path?

Today I have compiled a list of what I want and don’t want in my career. If you have any suggestions for the right career or job for me please share in a comment below.

I know what I want:

~A career that involves solving problems, community outreach and some time spent outdoors.

~My ideal income is a minimum of $40,000 year.

~To work with people who are open-minded, progressive and racially diverse.

~Mentally stimulating, challenging work in an intellectual, but not classist environment.
I know what type of job I don’t want:

~No high pressure sales job, retail, food service, or stuck in an office all day.

~No team members or a boss who is into drama.

~No sitting around waiting to work, I want to be busy, but not rushed.
 I’ve learned so much in my 30+ year, but how do I turn my best skills into a career?

~Writing/editing

~Self defense for women

~Community volunteerism

~Computer and social media knowledge

~Gardening

~Compassion and acceptance

~Problem solving

~Stress maangement

Empowering Discussions

Breaking Past Impossible: You Are More Than You Think

Impower You

I was reading this blog post about how our challenges are the key to career success by Kim Hilman, and one sentence by the author jumped out at me. “I’ve always believed that each of us is more than we think we are – that we are capable of far more than we realize.”

I agree wholeheartedly  with that statement. The older and wiser I grow the more I see that yes we are much more than we think. Not believing that used to stop me from growing and reaching for personal and career aspirations. Finally seeing that “impossible” is just a challenge has led me on a journey to become my greatest self. It’s an amazing feeling to know you are capable.

This realization was a breakthrough in ending my seemingly permanent depression. A major reason I loathed myself was because I felt stuck in a life that was going nowhere because I mistakenly believed that what I knew at the time was all there was for me. For some reason I convinced myself that my chance to succeed was over if I hadn’t made enough strides before I was 30.

Where do we get these ridiculous ideas of limits? Society of course! We are constantly told to shoot for the stars when we are younger, but as we get older we are told to be responsible, find one thing you are good at and nothing more. Yeesh! Of course we have free will, but if you get that message enough along with hundreds of other messages about what’s right or wrong, beautiful or ugly, smart or stupid, then our minds become limited. Throw in some doubt, depression, or fear and you have a recipe for expecting nothing more than a disappointing life.

How do I know that I’m more than I think and thus so are you? Look at how much you have changed over the years. In the beginning you were dependent on a guardian to clean, clothe, and feed you. At one point you didn’t know how to read, drive, cook, solve math problems, live on your own, graduate college, etc., etc. We are constantly growing and learning. There is no set age. When my great-grandfather was in his 90’s he said that he was surprised at how much his mind had changed since he was in his 80’s. That is proof enough that we are capable of more than we think. We are always growing.

So now that you know you are more than you think it’s time to move forward with life. Continue with your education both mentally and emotionally. Learn for your career or degree and your mental health or independence. Be your greatest self!

Below are three articles about being more than you think and not allowing limits to hold you back.

Berivan Eilf Kilic was married at 15 and beaten by her husband. After 13 years she had enough of that limiting life. She divorced her abuser and worked to become the first female mayor of her town. How amazing is that! http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2014/04/10/former-child-bride-is-elected-mayor-in-turkey.html

Then there is this 12 year old girl who already understands that limits imposed by others will not stop her from being her greatest self. Madison Kimrey wrote a letter to Phyllis Schlafely(a hypocritical anti-feminist) calling her out for trying to limit girls of this new generation with unrealistic and silly ideas.  http://samuel-warde.com/2014/04/open-letter-phyllis-schlafly-12-year-old-madison-kimrey-guest-post/

“How’s You’re Mindset” by Jane Claypool is another insightful article that goes along with this idea. http://janeclaypool.com/2014/04/14/hows-your-mindset/

 

What do you want to be and do in this short life?

What limits are holding you back from your greatest self?

What personal beliefs are stopping you from shooting for the stars?

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Empowering Discussions, Grief

Grieving After Two Months: Losing My Mom, Not My Mind

Impower You

 

I’d like to say that since two months have passed after my mother’s death I feel much better about losing her, but I don’t. Now is even more overwhelming because it’s so definite.

I went to work the morning after she died for no other reason than needing the paycheck. It was not fun, but I did my job as usual. The first few days after she died I started calling her friends that I personally knew fairly well. I didn’t want them to find out on Facebook or in an email. These were people who she loved, but lived far away so they at least deserved a phone call. It was almost easy to deliver the news because I was in shock. I refused to cry and it wasn’t hard at first. I felt sad, but incredibly numb. About a week later is when the waves of grief would begin to knock into me and I would cry. Crying is at it’s most basic a physical release, but also very draining and the vulnerable feeling doesn’t sit well with me.

I was starting to feel slightly better last month. At the end of March I went on a trip out-of-state to visit some family who I am very close to. This was the weekend of my birthday which I had no interest in celebrating…. That word sounds so foreign. How could I feel so sad and celebrate?

Last week I went to deliver some of my mom’s things to her friend out-of-state. I also spent the weekend with one of my best friends who I always feel comfortable enough around to be completely stupid so if I needed to cry there wouldn’t have been any hesitation and there wasn’t. We went to a small town where coincidentally I used to live with my mom and siblings when I was 12. In hindsight this was not the smartest idea as being there filled me up with memories and sadness. It was nice to be with my friend and stay busy, but it was also very difficult.

What I can clearly realize is how much comfort I am seeking. I find myself consistently craving being held. Even if it’s not cold I like to snuggle up in sweaters and blankets just to feel enveloped. I want her brushing my hair out of my eyes, reading me a story and snuggling with me as I fall asleep. So far I haven’t found a service anywhere that offers that for adults. At least not in a non-sexual manner. LOL! So it turns out there is at least one downside to being single.

While I don’t feel a constant sorrow, my energy and focus wanes from moment to moment. What I check off my to-do list these days is slow if it gets done at all. Going through my mothers belongings has been like walking through knee-high mud. Thankfully she didn’t have tons of stuff, but I don’t have space to keep much so a lot has to go away. Sometimes picking up and item can be a trigger for tears and pain Deciding what to keep and what to giveaway or sell is a challenge. Letting go of her things is akin to shredding memories of her. Even if I don’t have a clear memory of an item if it causes me to recall even a fraction of the past and then I have a hell of a time saying goodbye. An easy problem compared to many in our world, but one I must confront anyway.

Other than this emotional stress I have a pressing matter to take care of; creating an income. Financially, the sooner I get a job and start my assent out of debt the better. I know the longer I wait to find more paid work the more debt I’m accruing, but this is a common stress. It’s simple exasperated at this moment. I’m capable of working, willing to work, possess a good work ethic, and wanting to earn an income at a job that is at least somewhat enjoyable. That means anything but retail, sales, or hospitality which I’ve had more than enough of at this point. My doubts of whether I can be productive enough to keep a good job during this time is enough to impede that process. I don’t want to waste an employers time or burn bridges through sheer flakiness. Thankfully I know that soon finding a job will be an easy step for me to take and I will enjoy it.

This weekend I am taking another trip out-of-state to see family and two close friends. I’m happy see them all, but wish so hard for the visit to be under happier circumstances.  I need to take it easy this week at least when it comes to thinking of the future. I need to breathe.

What does help? Spending time with my brother, going out and sightseeing in search of beauty, eating good food, calling loved ones on the phone, working on projects that don’t require too much thought but are just challenging enough to distract from grief.  I keep busy, but also allow for moments of serenity where I focus on breathing and not denying my emotions. Writing of course is a big help. I feel refreshed after I write. My advice to you is get into the things you enjoyed before and find beauty where you can.

So if you are grieving let these words comfort you in knowing that you are not alone. We will survive this loss, but it will take time and effort. We will mess up; possibly say or do something reckless or ignorant because our minds and hearts are so preoccupied. When this happens remind yourself that you need time to recoup and there is no specific time line. We are imperfectly perfect. We all grieve at our own pace and deserve that chance if we are to continue on with life. Seek out what YOU need and allow yourself to heal.  

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Empowering Discussions

Seeing Girls in the Media Building, Creating, Engineering

Impower You

I love the recent pushback against marketing princess and sweetness to little girls. I often wonder if I would have been a happier teen had there been more feminism in my childhood toys and interests. I  had a feminist mom, trailed after my older brother and sister playing outside, rode a bike, built with Legos, liked science and math, and enjoyed Dungeons and Dragons, but then puberty happened. My goals changed. I grasped onto the message of my peers and the media.  I became more interested in being attractive to boys so I could have my happily ever after, more into fashion so I could look like a model, and increasingly insecure until my late 20’s.

So in the spirit of giving the following generations of girls sustainable interests not based on their looks or marrying a charming prince here are some videos that I hope you will share with the girls and boys in your life. Yes, the boys too because they need to see and expect girls and women in capable roles and not just as sex objects.

Raven’s Mini-Ramp:

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Science Girl shows the effect of dirty weather:

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Girls are learning how to program with Black Girls Code.

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Girls Build Rockets for Field Trip:

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It’s harder than I thought to find videos of young girls pursuing STEM interests. I hope you like the ones I found today and I will continue my search to share more with you soon. If you found an empowering video or commercial with girls please share in a comment below.

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Here are a few resources to share with girls you know.

Latinitas.com

BlackGirlsCode.com

Goldiblox.com

………………………..If you like this blog share it and check out my work at Leahis.com or Amazon.com

empowered people, power to the people, personal choice, how to make smart choices
Empowering Discussions

It’s Offical: Alabama Hates Womens Health Rights

Impower You

As women we must constantly fight for our health rights, among all our other rights. The state of Alabama is one of those terrible states that apparently dislikes women to have power over their health. Here are a few articles from the National Partnership for Women and Families. I recommend subscribing to their updates so when your state is under attack from women haters you can take action!

Alabama Anti-Abortion Rights Bill Heads to Governor.

Alabama Admitting Privileges Lawsuit Will Proceed.

Alabamas Bills Would Set Some of Nations Harshest Abortion Restrictions.

It’s aggravating that something as unavoidable as my gender could determine whether or not I have rights. How in the world did we evolve into a world where women are considered less important than men? More importantly though, how can we end this hateful oppression of women?

………..If you like this blog share it and check out my work at Leahis.com or Amazon.com

 

 

changeisup2u, up to you, volunteerism
Empowering Discussions

What Value Does a Tree Hold…. Up To You Project

Impower You

Have you heard of the Up To You project? It’s my side gig for social action! UTY includes interviews with people who are creating positive and sustainable change in their communities, around the world. Here is a sneak peek…..

The Monetary Value of a Tree

I love trees. Even as an adult I enjoy climbing trees, marveling in their beauty, and appreciating their shade! Trees are treasures that we all should respect……..Read more at http://changeisup2u.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/monetary-value-tree/

…………..If you like this blog check out my books and art at Leahis.com or Amazon.com

Empowering Discussions

Hypocrisy Lobby

Impower You

Hypocrisy Lobby is at it again. The art supply company, Hobby Lobby, who wants to take away employees rights of using their personal health insurance to buy birth control is, surprise, surprise, a greedy hypocritical bunch.

They make money for their retirement plans by investing in the stock of companies that manufacture abortion inducing drugs.  Yeesh, some peoples kids. I am sick and tired of people who need to control everyone else. That right there is what is wrong with this world. Needing others to conform or die. (eye rolls abound). Read about it below on the links for Daily KOS and Mother Jones. Then share it wide and far to prove what contradictions religious fundamentalists really live by.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/04/01/1288906/-Hobby-Lobby-invests-in-contraceptive-abortion-drug-manufacturers?detail=email

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2014/04/hobby-lobby-retirement-plan-invested-emergency-contraception-and-abortion-drug-makers

If you like this blog check out my books on Amazon.com or Leahis.com

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