I totally have felt this way for the last year….
I vaguely remember a time when I felt particularly strong and happy and that was very long ago as a child. Throw in a few traumas and tragedies, too many years of being bullied along with a genetic link to depression and that time has become a distant memory that I can barely grasp.
From the stories my moms friends told me they make it seem like I was a very independent child. Also since I know my mom loved me unconditionally all my life than it makes sense that once upon a time I was much stronger. I really crave to be brave and happy again. Most days I feel that way, but there are still days when I feel very alone and unable to succeed. Patience is indeed a gift.
I’m unlearning everything I know that is unhealthy for me. It’s not easy. I make mistakes. I get tired and want to give up, but I feel like deep inside me is this really bright shining light that is slowly burning through this heavy, darkness I have aquired. When I think of myself just four years ago I can definitely see how much I have grown and that helps me stay focused. So what have I unlearned?
I’ve unlearned the false idea that material wealth makes me happy and that retail therapy is a quick fix like any drug.
I’ve unlearned all the hateful words my peers preached to me during our school years. I know the reason they were mean was because of their own pain and anger.
I’ve unlearned the idea that I must be in a sexual/romantic relationship to be happy. Happiness is an inside job and most of the time I am able to harness that strong power and feel happy in challenging times.
I’ve unlearned the lie that I must be thinner, prettier and strive to look flawless. My weight and features don’t define me and that flawless is a ridiculous ideal used to sell products and control others.
I’ve unlearned the screwed up idea that money will buy happiness. Yes money is an important part of my life because we live in a capitalist society and I enjoy having an education, mass transit, public utilities and a roof over my head, but I’ve been unhappy with money and without. I know that amassing large amounts of it will not make me happy on the inside.
What do you have to unlearn in order to move forward?
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